Tonight I watched a documentary called SHOWRUNNERS, "which explores the fascinating world of U.S. television showrunners and the creative forces around them. These are the people responsible for creating, writing and overseeing every element of production for a television series." It talks about the struggles of the writers and creators of these shows wanting to keep their creative integrity intact. These writers talked of their struggles, of their many many struggles to juggle their creative minds and visions to be authentically true to themselves between the controls of the production studios, executives, actors, collaborative writers, and the critics and the viewers of which comprise of both lovers and haters.
What I loved most about these showrunners is their raw realness, uninhibited thoughts, feelings, emotions, fears, expectations, disappointments and more, along with almost all of them using candid words such as my favorite one; FUCK. I love authentic people who authentically use their minds, mouths and words to express their rawness and their realness. I feel that as a writer and scribe myself, that I can relate to every challenge, struggle, disappointment and triumph they have shared. I actually saw a piece of myself in every single one of them. Maybe that's because I am a creative, and so are they. And maybe we, as creatives, have a common bond, a common free spirit, a common compulsion and ultimately a common obligation to share our minds, our mouths and our words with the world. We are the writers of the age. We weave the stories that make the whole world read, watch, think and feel. And this is no easy task. What we put out there, which is not just a piece of ourselves, our minds and our hearts, is a piece of our SOUL. For most of us this bleeding of our SOUL through the MAGIC of words that seep onto paper, onto the laptop, into blogs, books, TVs and movie screens is an opening up of ourselves in one of the biggest ways and formats available to us, and this opening subjects us to criticism both of the kind kind and the mean kind.
When the criticism becomes too much, in either direction of positivity or negativity, walking the very fine and sometimes invisible line of un-waiverable authenticity is the greatest task, and is what is most at stake. We question who we are writing for...ourselves, the audience, the critics, the executives, the actors, the characters and so on. The dark side of positivity could be becoming egoic and narcissistic. The dark side of negativity could be becoming broken and suicidal.
What I discovered in the watching of this is my own wavering and fine line balancing. I write for myself. These showrunners no longer have that privilege and it is not because they have sold out, tho some have, it's because they are brilliant, and their brilliance has been recognized to put them in such a position to reach such a large chunk of the population, of the masses, just as movie and screenwriters can and do. It is their brilliance that is wanted, and then when it is captured, it slowly but surely gets diminished, manipulated, controlled, questioned, scrutinized and criticized. The worst part of the questioning is the questioning of theirselves, their authenticity and ultimately their SOUL.
This has given me much thought for food. And this food is what I am now sharing with you. I have recently begun sharing my personal and professional life with a world much greater than my personal friends, clients and students via blogging, and this world of mine is called FACEBOOK. Now my Facebook world is not a big one. I have less than 3000 "friends" and the funny thing about that is that I personally know less than 1000 of them. And even though I only have a few thousand, which may not seem like many in comparison to the audience that the showrunners have and can capture, I know that each of these 3000 people have friends who have friends who have friends. It is a web of the ultimate kind. And sometimes when webs are this big, it is easy to get caught in them. And this is what happened to me. Tho I didn't even know that until tonight, the night of the full Pisces moon, which is also this little fish's star sign.
Earlier in the evening before the moonrise, I had written a letter to a man who is a con artist and who has conned me out of $10,000 through the guise of business coaching. So it really wasn't just "conned" out of me, it was "coached" out of me via this lovely little trick used primarily in the coaching world, and this little trick is called NeuroLinguistic Programming, also known as NLP.
If there is anyone out there in your world who is using NLP in their lives or in their work, they are probably, more than likely, using NLP in your relationship with them.
And all I have to say about that is RUN.
You may even be the one who is practicing NLP, and if so, you are probably in full blown denial and rebellion to what I just said, and you probably want to kill me right now DEAD. And if that is true, then you have your answer that is telling you that you, yes you, are using NLP in manipulative, controllable and deceitful ways. And if you don't believe me, then you really don't even know what NLP is.
If you are not reacting to what I said, one of two things may possibly be why, you are too ignorant OR innocent to think it is what I just said it is, in which case you should probably STOP using it right now. Because ignorance and innocence is extremely dangerous when using such a tool. This tool, if you are ignorant OR innocent, is like giving matches to a child. These matches can potentially burn your life and the lives of others in your world to the motherfucking ground. Because there is a DARK SIDE to NLP.
If you are not reacting to what I previously said about NLP being controlling, manipulating and deceitful, that's because you know it is and you use it anyways knowing very well of your own choice in using it in this way. You too are extremely dangerous, and you know it.
Out of the ignorants, the innocents and the ones who know exactly what they are doing, you would think that the ones who know ARE the most dangerous, but they are not. All three of these are equally dangerous. And this in itself is a completely different story of which I will probably write about later. And in saying this, there may be some conscious people out there using NLP to help other people.
Earlier this evening, I was about to share my story of this man, the con artist, with my Facebook community. My intention was to help and make people aware, especially my friends, clients and students, of these kinds of people. This man, who also displays predatory psychopathic behaviors, had a few mutual friends in common when we "met" on Facebook. When I finally awoke from the NLP spell he had me under and ended his game, he had poached over 300 of my friends, and ALL of them were women. I was horrified. If he had done what he did to me, then he could possibly be doing or at least trying to do the same thing to them. This not only boiled my blood into a fine mist of hellfire and fury, it compelled me to do something about it. So I wrote him a letter, and I was just moments away from posting it on Facebook, and then a voice of reason came into my world, and that voice belongs to my friend Jamie, aka Motherfucker.
Jamie said to me that people can't handle what I have to say. They can't handle the points I'd like to make, and because of that, I would be opening myself up to these people who would then criticize and judge me, and that in itself could hurt my business as an international intuitive healer and investigator, because most people just won't understand. He said I say too much and that I give too much and that people are probably still processing my last handful of blogs and Facebook posts. And he could very well be right.
And this reminds me of what my husband used to say about me giving too much to my clients and my students. He would say that my sessions were too long and that my classes were too long and that people couldn't handle that much information. And I've always wondered why can I handle this amount of information and why can't other people handle it. I just didn't understand this.
Being an intuitive, I listen to the voice and the compass and the compulsions and the directions of my inner wisdom. For example, I do not stop a session with my clients until I hear in my mind, THAT IS ENOUGH. So it doesn't matter if ENOUGH comes in 33 minutes or in 99 minutes. I just listen to my voice within and I make my clients aware of this. New clients always ask me how long a session is and I say I never know. I just tell them to plan for up to 99 minutes and to leave a little extra time afterwards to be alone and let it all sink and sync in. Operating from intuition is a different ball game altogether. And now that I think about it, I really resent people telling me what to do, especially people who are NOT intuitive and who clearly do not listen to their OWN intuition.
Is this really who I want to be driving my ship? And if I do, then I would have to train them to be just as skilled as I am in order to even invest any trust in their abilities to do so. I do appreciate their care and concern, as this is them showing their love and maybe even protection of me, because even though I am an intuitive, I am an innocent, I am naive, I am trusting and I am gullible....and I hate to admit all of that, but it is motherfucking true. And as you can see, there are both positives AND negatives in each of those words: innocent, naïve, trusting and gullible. And the paradox of intuition is that you don't always KNOW everything, and the things that appear to others as my "mistakes" are really just my "lessons". I do not have any regrets nor any mistakes in my life when I look backwards. I only have lessons. Some painful and excruciating. Some beautiful and magical. This is how I operate in this body and in this world. And not many people operate the way I do, hence Jamie's and my husband's care and concern and protection.
So, after Jamie told me not to post the post I was going to post, I was a little heart broken. And he ushered me into the car to go get groceries before I even had a chance to look at it. It was in the middle of the IGA grocery store, where I was smelling the musky smell of truss tomatoes and then the addictive smell of mesquite smoked garlic, that it hit me. And I had no idea what had hit me, but it gripped my goddamn heart and started squeezing it relentlessly. My breath left my body. I don't remember walking to Jamie, who was standing in the cheese aisle by this time, but I do remember turning him around, resting my face on his chest, and allowing the sobs and hot steaming tears come up and out my heart and roll down my face, soaking into his wool polka dot black and grey sweater. He tried to push me back and tell me to stop, but I said to just give me a minute and let me get the pain out. Once the tears stopped, I looked up at him and he was a little horrified at me making a scene in front of the milk section. I was crying, but there was no spilt milk. It was a spilt heart, and I left it in the middle of the IGA.
Clean up in Aisle 7. Spilt heart on the floor. Slippery when wet.
As we were walking to the car, I became angry. Angry that I couldn't just be me, say what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, when I wanted to say it, who I wanted to say it to, and where. I wondered why Jamie, and my husband, both have told me that people can't handle what I say and that I say too much. I then wondered why am I the one who has to not say too much. Why couldn't I say EVERYTHING I had to say? Why did I have to shrink myself down because people can't handle it or me or my words or information and my fucks and wit and irony and messages and hidden meanings and mind and humor and all the other fucking things I am? Why did I have to shrink my consciousness for their lack of consciousness? Why couldn't my consciousness instead, compel people to expand theirs? Why couldn't they rise to my level instead of me sinking to theirs?
I started to become irate, but I just didn't have the energy for irateness. What came instead was sadness. A deep, dark, heavy sadness and I was really fucking sad about this level of sadness I had just reached. It made me feel like I was drowning. And I felt like if I let it, it would drag me deep down with it into depths I just didn't want to feel or even know about. This sadness was as deep as I wanted to go, and for all I knew, it was the deepest there was. I pushed the sadness away, and the tears that hadn't come up and out, back down and in, and I started the car, the car that I named HAPPY when she was given to me as a gift, which made me happy, hence HAPPY.
We pulled out of the underground garage of the IGA and the great big golden full moon in Pisces was rising before me, plump and pregnant, and glaring right in my motherfucking face. Ah yes, there it is and YES... no wonder I was feeling all of these things,. I had forgotten. I had even forgotten what year it was. All of last week, I thought it was 2016. I didn't just think it was due to the illusion of time I had broken free from a few years ago, when this thing I call Moonsomnia kicked in. And back then, when the Moonsomnia kicked in on a new moon, it lasted for two weeks. I experienced two weeks straight of insomnia, which I had never experienced before, up until the next full moon arrived. And then my body just put me to sleep right then and there.
I then began having Moonsomnia on a monthly basis according to the moon phases, to my personal moon phases, in which it was then that I began tracking my menstrual, emotional and energetic moon cycles, which is when I coined the term Moonsomnia. When you know what's happening and when insomnia is coming, you can consciously use this highly energetic creative time as one of the most powerful periods of the month.
Moonsomnia has lasted for one month as of tonight, which began on the last full moon. I've had a little bit of sleep here and there, but for the most part, I get ideas, insights and inspiration around 2am to 3am, so I start writing or typing...and then tah dah, I wrote a blog...and then tah dah, it is on my website and my Facebook pages some time between 5am - 7am in the morning.
The insights, meditations, information, epiphanies, synchronicities, awakenings and writings during this last month of Moonsomnia, have changed me. And I can't even put that into words right now, but I feel a major shift and no matter what, there ain't no turning back. I will write more about Moonsomnia later, and you can also request a moon cycle session to start tracking yourself if you like.
So I started to do a little research the other night about consciousness, sleep patterns, stages of sleep, etc, and I came across some very interesting Vedic teachings about sleep. The thing that stood out to me the most was that it said that as you move into higher realms of consciousness, the less sleep you need. And then it all made even more sense. And I accepted my Moonsomnia as that.
Welcome To My World.
It has been during these past thirty days of Moonsomnia that my entire business model, website and life has drastically changed. And this is when I started sharing my thoughts, experiences and awakenings via my three blogs, and it was the time that I decided to just give the first 100 chapters of my three books away, because they are priceless. How do you put a price on pricelessness? My answer was, "You don't."
Many many things have changed, to say the very least.
So here I am driving home from the IGA, and I am sadder than hell at the world and the lack of consciousness of the people in it. So I wrote this below... in three minutes flat, this baring of my current state, of my consciousness, of my SOUL, and I posted it on Facebook and said goodbye...
"On the night of this intense full moon in my star sign of the two fish swimming in opposite directions, my emotions are not dissimilar! And at this moment of coming inside from the big golden moonrise, I am thoroughly & utterly overwhelmed by my disappointment in the world & it's lack of consciousness. In the feeling of the pain of the world's lack of consciousness, I feel your lack of consciousness & ultimately my very own lack of consciousness. Because I know I am to blame...... that this is my responsibility... that I, like you, are the creator of all of this. So really, I am not disappointed in the world or in you at all. I can now stand here in my own awareness & pain & say without a shadow of a doubt that I am thoroughly & utterly disappointed in myself, in my lack of responsibility & in my divine creation. And because of this, I have suffered, you have suffered & the world has suffered. So I stand here before you, in the moonlight of fullness & take total responsibility for all of this... and all of this really fucking hurts. Therefore, I not only apologize to you & to the world, I apologize to myself. In this, I will find acceptance of myself, forgiveness of my unconsciousness & the understanding of my creation. And until all of that comes into my awareness, I will sit here & cry out my tears & my lifetimes of pain in coming back & back again to fix my mistakes & make my amends. And believe me when I say THIS IS IT, the time is NOW, as I will not be coming back. I cannot promise anything to anyone, only to myself & if I can awaken to this state of consciousness in owning it all & taking responsibility for all of it, then I believe I can wake up to anything & everything. And it is in this quest that I just may discover the greatest gift of all. So for now, I say goodbye to my personal page on Facebook. If you would like to contact me for intuitive healing sessions or to continue reading my stories of awakening via my three blogs, you may do so thru my business pages & website.
Until we meet again.."
...and then I sent a private message to about 300 of my real friends, FB friends, students, clients, and potential clients telling them that I am off my personal Facebook page and if they would like to connect with me, they can do so via my FB business pages and website. I did all of this in the midst of the authentic bleeding of my excruciatingly sad, broken heart and SOUL, and weary motherfucking mind.
What happened next is not what I expected at all, and really, I didn't even have ANY expectations, because I wasn't thinking of the future, I was totally in the NOW, feeling the pain that always brings you right to NOW.
So...my friends, clients and students started sending private messages and emails, and then my phone started ringing. And then email messages via my website started pouring in. People were telling me that they were going to miss me and my posts, my blogs, my words, my fearlessness, my courageousness, my humour and all of the other things that are magically me.
I wrote something funny back to a few of them saying that my personal Facebook page needed to die. And that it was time for a reincarnation. Maybe I should plan a Facebook Funeral first. And I'd be back as soon as that took place...whenever that would be.
And that in itself could've taken me three months, three weeks or three days, but it didn't.
IT TOOK THREE HOURS.
Thinking now about that kind of care and concern that came from my friends, clients and students, which I should really just say from my FRIENDS, my true friends FB or not, and that even came from a few FB strangers... well, writing about it right now is squeezing tears out of my big little broken heart. And I truly believe that a broken heart isn't a closing of a heart, but instead it is an OPENING. And with all of these people opening THEIR hearts and mouths to ME, encouraged me to allow the opening to just do its thing. And it is still just doing its thing while constant tears keep streaming down my face as I write this to you right here right now.
I always believed that in the writing for ME, I was always writing for YOU, which was writing for ME. Because what goes around comes around. And that's the way it goes.
And these thoughtful, caring FRIENDS said to me just a few hours ago, "No, don't go. We will miss you and ALL of your words."
And it is these people, these FRIENDS of mine and that I am so goddamn lucky to have in my world, with THEIR words and THEIR outpouring of THEIR hearts and SOULS... well, they are the ones who gave me the green light when I wasn't able to give it to myself.
I now sit here on the couch, in my aqua and white polka dot pajamas, with tears streaming down my face, bowing to YOU, thanking YOU and honoring YOU for being in my motherfucking world. Because it takes a fucking tribe to raise a child. And I am taking this golden opportunity to tell each and every one of you THANK YOU for raising me up tonight.
Because I was sinking.
And I needed you.
And you were there for me.
And because of that...
I am here for you.
I dedicate these words, and ALL of my words to come, to each and every one of YOU.
For without YOU, I am NOTHING!
Tamara Motherfucking Rennie
Intergalactic Intuitive Investigator
Photo Credit: CapsuleComputers