Well, I just had one of those moments. And I went from zero to kill in less than two seconds flat. Even less than that. How is it that some moments you can contain the fire that rages inside of you from the world of cause and effect, and how is it that sometimes you can’t?
The fire caught alight in a flash. I felt my heart pound. I could hear it even. Then my blood began to boil. I could hear that too. And it shattered the peaceful happy content place I had been sitting in. The one that had taken a lot of work and a lot of time to get to because that same motherfucker lit the last fuse not too long ago.
That is what happens when you are having a love affair with a twin flame.
The twin flame lights you on fire lightning quick and you can’t stop it, it has ahold of you before you even know what lit you. Your nervous system goes into one of three, if not two, if not all stages: fight, flight and fright. Shock hit me first. Right in the chest. I heard the air leave my breath from the blow. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I couldn’t even move. I was stuck. Staring out the window not wanting to believe what I was seeing.
I felt the urge to open the sliding glass door and walk out, catch him in the act, and call him on his bullshit, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move from the shock of what I was witnessing. My mind was blank. My jaw dropped. My eyes were wide open. All three of them. It hurt. And it tasted like betrayal, lies and disgust. A flavour that I had tasted before. A flavor that started a game that I had lost and won and lost and won many many times. A flavour that I had created in his mouth not too long ago myself, though mine was peppered with revenge. And it all began then from my very best friend; cause and effect.
And it was happening again, like a bad nightmare I thought I had woken up from. I blinked my eyes but they didn’t budge. They were glued to his phone. Watching him skipping through photos, checking messages, leaving replies. I was completely flabbergasted, but I could not tear myself away. I could not move. And then he felt me. He turned his head and saw that I was standing there right behind him, watching him. He had no idea how long I was there for, but it was long enough as far as I was concerned.
He got up, walked to the sliding door, pushed his face against it and smiled. It was in that moment that the shock vanished and the fight was activated. I wanted to rip his fucking head off, throw it in the oven and turn it up to disintegration. Instead of following my freight train of thought, I turned away, picked up my phone and decided I needed to calm myself down before that train of thought lead me to researching how to hogtie a motherfucker and hang him over the balcony head first. I walked into the bathroom and lit a candle, even though that was not what I wanted to light on fire.
The thing about twin flames is that they come into your life for the fastest healing, growth and evolution of consciousness ever. You both love them AND you hate them. It is a relationship of extremes. Extremes that throw you and them into the fire. Whoever is left standing after the smoke clears is clearly the winner. And you discover, when you reach the level of consciousness that we both have, that both of you are left standing after the fire…and then it begins again. In the game of twin flames, it’s win or die. Therefore, there is no choice but to win, even though your thoughts are of death. Your own. And theirs. The amount of thoughts plotting his death and all of the myriad of ways I could kill him in his sleep crept a smile upon my face. Satisfaction ensues shortly after. If the thoughts of killing them do not come first, the pain and sorrow and self pity of feeling such extreme pain and disappointment is enough for you to want the aliens to come and take your ass back home. Like right motherfucking NOW! Because if they don’t, you don’t want to be liable for what you can do.
If you have never had a twin flame relationship, much less a twin flame love affair, then you have no idea what I am talking about. Consider yourself lucky on many levels. I wouldn’t wish twin flames on anyone. They are the most excruciating and liberating relationships I have ever had. And believe me when I say, this is not my first twin flame circus. And it probably won’t be my last.
The fire, power and extremeness that arises within can kill. If looks can kill, as they say. But I kept my face blank, unreadable, and started to turn the tap on when he opened the bathroom door. I turned around lightning fast and put my hand on his chest to stop him. His look, tone and façade of innocence made me want to punch him right in his motherfucking face. I saw the blood pour out of his nose. In the lowest, most calm voice I could muster, a voice that I did not even recognize as my own, I said that I was flared up, that I needed time to realign and to LEAVE ME ALONE. I said it in a manner that was so calm and unnerving, it was the best threat I had ever given to anyone. I cannot even describe it, as it was foreign and new to me. I firmly but gently pushed him out the door and closed it on him.
I returned to my bath water and poured the whole goddamn jar of Dead Sea salt into it. And it still didn’t feel like it was enough. I then found the song that had kept orbiting my thoughts. One that had come and gone and come and gone for months. Just when I thought I had understood what it was saying to me, it sang more words to me that I heard for the very first time. I swear I would be dead if it wasn’t for Robert Smith. That man has saved my life again and again and again and again and again and again.
The song was "Disintegration". I listened to it three times as hot steaming tears rolled down my face and my heart pounded harder and harder in my chest, in my ears, in my entire being. I listened to it three more times and decided when I got out of the tub, I would do a runner. That was when I realized I had switched from fight into flight. And then I decided I wouldn’t run, I would walk. Yeah, I would just go for a walk. Who cares if it was one o’clock in the morning. If anything happened to me, it would be his fault and he could live with it for the rest of his life. Because I would be back home, off of this godforsaken planet. Who would have the last laugh then?
And then he came into the bathroom. I had my head under the water. I could still hear Bob singing to me. I felt the motherfucker hovering over me. I opened my eyes and his face was about five inches above mine and he had a smile on it. I closed my eyes to prevent me from locking my hawk-eye vision on the smile I wanted to remove from his face with my fist. Violent thoughts. Violent visions. Maybe he is bringing out the violator in me. Maybe she needs to be brought to the surface. Maybe she was the one who needed to be destroyed. Not his smiling face. How much more calm could I say LEAVE ME ALONE that allowed me to sound like a mobster-style assassin. How much more threatening could the calm voice in me sound, I wondered, as it came out of my mouth again. He lifted my arm out of the water. His desperation to know what was wrong made me smile on the inside.
“You know what you have done. Why don’t you go have a think about that? NOW. LEAVE. ME. ALONE,” was the voice I heard come out of my mouth with my ears still under the water. He muttered something under his breath and left. I was enjoying this game. I was enjoying right where I had him. I was enjoying plotting my revenge. The first thing I would do is take my phone back. His birthday started at midnight, just a little over an hour ago. I was looking forward to being the first one to wish him a Happy Birthday. That is what I was going to do when I walked to the sliding door to begin with. But then I saw what he was doing, which is what stopped me in my tracks, and which is what lit my fucking fuse on fire.
I would take his phone after everyone called to wish him a Happy Birthday. After all, I am the one who bought it. He hadn’t paid me back for it yet. Why stop there, I wondered. Why not ask him to pack his bags and move out, tomorrow night? He would have nowhere to go. He would learn his lessons quick, including the one to stop fucking with me. Another smile lit up my face. Who would be the winner then?
I allowed the thoughts to continue. Bob kept singing to me. I kept turning the hot water on to warm the bath back up. I was sitting back and enjoying the show of allowing my thoughts to run wild. And the commentary was interesting to say the least. I would get out of the bath. I would get dressed. I would walk out of the back door, around the pool and down to the park. I could probably run into someone to kill me there. It would be perfect. The perfect tragic ending to the life of Tamara Rennie. I may not have done everything I had planned. But sometimes plans change. It’s not like I am ever coming back to this planet. They’ll live without me, I thought. And then I needed to hear Bob sing “From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea” to me. I listened to it three times. More tears came.
Why why why are you letting me go? she says
I feel you pulling back
I feel you changing shape
And just as I'm breaking free
She hangs herself in front of me
Slips her dress like a flag to the floor
And hands in the sky
Surrenders it all...
If he came into my world to talk about it, I would tell him to first tell me what he was doing on the balcony. I would then reply with whatever he said, either the truth or lie, and I would just say, “Interesting,” and leave it at that. Maybe tell him I had nothing more to talk about. Maybe tell him I was tired and that we can talk about it tomorrow after I slept on it…if I even got to sleep. If he didn’t come in after I got out of the tub, I would just pretend like nothing happened when I saw him in the morning. I would just wish him a Happy Birthday and continue to observe him and the whole situation, like motherfucking Sherlock Holmes…the Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes.
I decided that the latter was the best route to take. BE THE ASSASSIN. Never let him know what you are thinking. Hold your cards close and your words and thoughts and intentions even closer. Do not give him an inch. Leave him in the dark. Where he belonged. Watch. Follow the clues. Put the pieces together. And then make a plan. It was THE PLAN. And then I took my first conscious breath.
I removed myself from the tub and for the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe I could fall asleep before 4am. I opened the bathroom door and the lights in the house were out. I went to my room. Yes, we have separate rooms. It’s one thing to live with a twin flame and have an intimate relationship with one, but it’s another thing to sleep in the same bed together. Both twin flames need space. A lot of space. More space than you ever think you need. Which is the irony. Because twin flames pull you in close. They draw together like magnets. But what isn’t realized is that magnets, when one is turned, repels the other magnet. The repulsion is just as strong as the attraction. Sleeping in our own beds and having our own space is the first time I have ever done this with anyone, and since doing it for the past several months, it works for me, it works for him. It just works. I like my own room, my own space, my own bed. There is no stealing the covers off of me, no snoring in my face, no farting, no fucking nothing. I don’t think I will ever sleep in the same bed as another person ever again. I never thought I would like this, and I don’t...
I fucking love it.
I sat on the edge of my bed and air dried. The pounding of my heart was so strong it sounded like intense knocking on the door. My central nervous system was extremely flared up. I rubbed my heart, telling her it was ok. I was ok. Everything was going to be ok. After a few moments, she stopped hitting me. The knocking stopped and the calmness began to wash over me. “Oh, there I am,” I muttered with relief. I pushed out a big breath and got dressed. I flipped open my laptop, pulled up a blank page and typed FROM ZERO TO KILL without even thinking about it. I then plugged in my headphones and went to find The Cure in my music folder. I put “A Forest” on repeat and started typing. And he did not come into my room. I looked at my phone and he had sent me six texts while I was in the bath. “How cute,” I thought, partly with sincerity and partly with a dose of conscious sarcasm, if there is such a thing. “I know what I am doing,” I reminded myself, “even when I don’t know what I am doing.” I take a deep breath and then I ask my favorite question, “Now what?”
“Close your eyes,” she says to me.
So I do.
“Go home,” she says.
So I do.
I land on my star as “The Forest” starts playing again from scratch. I have to pull myself away from the beat and my body starting to move to the rhythmic melody. But I can’t. I keep my eyes closed, move my body to the beat and listen to the words. Bob sings just to me, his words are just for me, just like they always have been…
Come closer and see
See into the trees
Find the girl
While you can
Come closer and see
See into the dark
Just follow your eyes
Just follow your eyes
I hear her voice
Calling my name
The sound is deep
In the dark
“Let it go,” she says.
“Where is it?” I ask. And then I see it. It’s a fishing hook in my heart. And it’s black. But I have a feeling he’s not the one who tried to catch this little fish.
“Who is it?” I ask.
“It is them.”
I think of the implant he brought home from his friend last night, and how it caused confusion as well as the energy of divide and conquer. As I started to battle him, I realized I was battling the confusion. I jumped up right then and there and grabbed a pen and paper, while he fell fast asleep. I wrote “WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?” at the top of the paper and sat back while the information came. A whole page of information came. I saw the big black implant in my heart and removed it. I did everything else that I usually do and then thought about him sleeping with the implant still inside of him. I knew better than to wake him and tell him, so I waited until this morning.
When I did tell him, he was open and gracious, he was him again, because I had already removed the implant from myself. I told him what exactly happened, how he contracted the implant, how it implanted me, and what to do to prevent that from happening again. He apologized and said he didn’t know all of the things I know. He said he was still learning. He said he still had his L plates on. I had a little laugh with that one, because I know he is learning as fast as he can and trying the best he can to see what I can see, to know what I know. And sometimes you have to stub your toe, pick up implants and implant your lover to get the lessons. And because of this, I sometimes feel it would be better to be on my own.
Was what he was doing on the balcony my second opportunity to walk, I wondered.
“No,” my inner voice answers. “Just wait, watch and learn,” she says.
So I will.
Alchemy, Magic & Intuition,
International Intuitive Healer
Photo credit: Wordpress
She Said What?
"Working with Tamara over the years in intuitive healing sessions has helped me to hone my skills in not only listening to my intuition, but more importantly, in trusting the messages I receive. This has not only enabled me to uncover and overcome some deep seated issues, but has put me in good stead to improve my life day to day through fine tuning my ability to listen and learn from the messages I receive, rather than ignore them. This is an extremely empowering gift, and now I drive my own vessel with guidance from my higher self and continue to learn and grow from my journey through this life." ~Gem Lowman, Melbourne, Australia